McSweeney’s Articles

I've written several short stories for McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the daily humor website:

Rude Goldberg Contraptions: A series of dominoes fall, knocking over a marble that rolls off a ledge, landing on a seesaw that tips downwards, dangling a piece of cheese in front of a gerbil that runs on a hamster wheel, unfurling a roll of toilet paper into a trash can, leaving an empty cardboard tube in the bathroom that you’ll have to replace even though you weren’t the person who used it up.

I Dance Like I Have Two Left Feet: The heartbreaking story of a man who can't dance or run or play soccer, but is a thumbwrestling/Scrabble champion.

This Standoff Has Gone On Long Enough: Cops and robbers and part-time magicians.

Beyond the 4th Wall: A sitcom writer breaks the fourth wall.

Infographic Cartoons

I've also written and illustrated several cartoons for Cracked and College Humor:

10 Ways a Conga Line is Exactly Like a Cult: Did you join because you felt alone, wanted to be part of something larger than yourself, or were looking for some direction in your life?

8 Ways Your Facebook Profile is Exactly Like a Serial Killer's Lair: Incoherent rambling scribbled on the walls. Magazine clippings. Blurry photos of body parts and substances which may or may not be food.

Mirror Scare Variations: If you're a character in a horror movie and you're about to close the medicine cabinet above the sink, watch out behind you.

Color-Coded Guide to Bomb Disposal: Cut the red wire. Leave the yellow wire. Wait, this other wire is kind of turquoise. My manual doesn't say anything about that. Is that more of a blue or a green?

9 Movie Reasons Why You're Bleeding Right Now: Is your nose bleeding? Then you just traveled through time.

21 Ways to Kill the Villain of a Long-Running Horror Franchise: Part 1: Shoot the monster. Part 2: Cut the monster in half. Part 3: Blow up the monster (in 3D). Part 8: Shoot the monster (found-footage style).

Super exclusive short stories that aren’t available anywhere else!

In Case of Hooks

Between August 2010 and April 2012, I wrote a serialized superhero parody called "In Case of Hooks" over the course of several hundred tweets on Twitter. It was written entirely in the form of instructions on a warning sign, but eventually involved a cast of characters, several villains, time travel, parallel universes, fight scenes, and more.

- In case of fire, break glass.
- In case of glass, cover head.
- If no hands to shield head with, seek immediate medical attention for lack of hands.
- In case of locked door obstructing route to hospital, locate hooks.
- If hooks found, use hooks as temporary hand replacements, and use hook-hands to open door.

You can read the complete adventure here!