In Case of Hooks, Part 2: "The Hook Identity"

  • In case of big "nooooo," beware of mad scientist escaping.

  • If mad scientist escapes, begin playing exciting chase-scene music.

  • In case of exciting chase-scene music, chase.

  • If chase leads to city streets, highjack motorcycle.

  • If opportunity to perform cool motorcycle stunt arises, perform cool motorcycle stunt.

  • If motorcycle stunt goes wrong, slowly walk away with back turned to motorcycle while it explodes behind you.

  • In case of motorcycle explosion, a fire may be started, so use rocket-hook to blast open a fire hydrant and douse anyone engulfed in flames.

  • If burning civilians are safely extinguished, be considered a hero.

  • In case of new-found fame, be photographed by spunky girl who has just gotten job at local paper and is eager to prove herself.

  • In case of photograph, strike a heroic pose.

  • If asked for name by small child, come up with something cool-sounding but with some sort of rocket-hook-hands-related pun.

  • In case of new designation as rocket-hook-handed hero, consider costume options.

  • If costume options seem too expensive, recall that you gave all of your money to that homeless man.

  • If homeless man refuses to return money, threaten to rocket-hook him.

  • If homeless man continues to refuse, even under threat of rocket-hooking, consider cheap costume such as white t-shirt with name written on it.

  • In case of interview by reporter, conceal secret identity to protect your elderly aunt who lives at home.

  • If tricked by clever reporter and secret identity is revealed, rocket-hook reporter to prevent story from getting out.

  • In case of sleepiness due to long day of rocket-hooking, return home and take nap.

Dan Markowitz