In Case of Hooks, Part 1: "First Hooks"
In case of fire, break glass.
In case of glass, cover head.
If no hands to shield head with, seek immediate medical attention for lack of hands.
In case of locked door obstructing route to hospital, locate hooks.
If hooks found, use hooks as temporary hand replacements, and use hook-hands to open door.
In case of high-five to celebrate success opening door, ask friend to consider danger of performing high-five with someone who has hook-hands.
In case of friend not considering danger of high-five, causing hook-hand to slice off friend's hand, take turns sharing hook.
If pain becomes unbearable, locate phone and call 911.
In case hook-hands are too unwieldy to dial tiny buttons on phone, look for nearby hospitals.
In case of no convenient hospitals, search back alleys for "alternative" medical expert.
In case of back alley being home to an angry homeless man, use hook-hands to frighten him.
If hook-hand plan backfires and causes homeless man to become enraged, use hook-hands to scale wall and climb away.
If homeless man has his own hook-hands and follows, there is no escape.
In case of no escape, admit defeat and give homeless man all of your available money.
In case of no money for real medical care, ask around for cheapest doctor in area.
In case of cheapest doctor being some sort of mad scientist, run.
If shot by mad scientist's freeze ray, attempt to make your way back to burning building so that fire will melt the ice.
In case of melting too much, allow scientist to reanimate melted remains as some sort of monster.
In case of reanimation as some sort of monster, use opportunity to upgrade hook-hands to rocket-hook-hands.
In case of new hooks for hands, incapacitate mad scientist and make a run for it.
In case of lab-escape, beware of former friend who has also been reanimated as a rival monster.
In case of appearance by reanimated friend, begin playing exciting fight-scene music.
In case of exciting fight-scene music, begin fight-scene.
In case of fight-scene, dodge ex-friend's rocket-hooks and attack with your own rocket-hooks.
In case of victory, have flashbacks to fond memories of times spent with ex-friend.
In case of flashbacks, consider meaninglessness of violence and form truce with friend.
In case of truce, perform high-five.
In case of friend again not considering danger of high-five and causing rocket-hook to blow up friend, fall to knees.
If on knees, look to sky and shout "nooooo."
In Case of Hooks, Part 2: "The Hook Identity"
In case of big "nooooo," beware of mad scientist escaping.
If mad scientist escapes, begin playing exciting chase-scene music.
In case of exciting chase-scene music, chase.
If chase leads to city streets, highjack motorcycle.
If opportunity to perform cool motorcycle stunt arises, perform cool motorcycle stunt.
If motorcycle stunt goes wrong, slowly walk away with back turned to motorcycle while it explodes behind you.
In case of motorcycle explosion, a fire may be started, so use rocket-hook to blast open a fire hydrant and douse anyone engulfed in flames.
If burning civilians are safely extinguished, be considered a hero.
In case of new-found fame, be photographed by spunky girl who has just gotten job at local paper and is eager to prove herself.
In case of photograph, strike a heroic pose.
If asked for name by small child, come up with something cool-sounding but with some sort of rocket-hook-hands-related pun.
In case of new designation as rocket-hook-handed hero, consider costume options.
If costume options seem too expensive, recall that you gave all of your money to that homeless man.
If homeless man refuses to return money, threaten to rocket-hook him.
If homeless man continues to refuse, even under threat of rocket-hooking, consider cheap costume such as white t-shirt with name written on it.
In case of interview by reporter, conceal secret identity to protect your elderly aunt who lives at home.
If tricked by clever reporter and secret identity is revealed, rocket-hook reporter to prevent story from getting out.
In case of sleepiness due to long day of rocket-hooking, return home and take nap.
In Case of Hooks, Part 3: "Hook Harder"
In case of hunger and inability to manipulate microwave due to rocket-hook-hands, ask elderly aunt to cook food
If convenience would be nice, hire an inventor to produce gadgets, starting with a phone that can be operated with hook-hands.
If inventor is okay with it, pay him to work as a butler too.
In case of call from mayor on newly-installed emergency hotline, put on t-shirt costume and prepare for heroics.
If no time to eat, ask aunt to place food in lunchbox so that it may be eaten later.
If crisis involves the return of that mad scientist who you met that one time a while ago, ominously refer to him as your arch-nemesis.
In case of plot by mad scientist to rob bank, go to bank and use hooks to hang from ceiling.
In case of mad scientist's arrival, drop from above and save day (use rocket-hooks if necessary).
If day is saved, offer pithy one liner such as variation on "I guess I got the drop on him," and attempt to work in a hook-related pun.
If things seem to go too easily, something must be wrong.
In case of something probably wrong, demand that mad scientist reveal what his real scheme is.
In case of mad scientist laughing maniacally, threaten a rocket-hooking unless he shuts up.
In case of big reveal that this bank job was a diversion and the real action is at City Hall, get to City Hall.
If there is time, stop to eat lunch along the way.
In case of City Hall being slowly frozen by a giant version of mad scientist's freeze ray, evacuate building and start giant fire to melt ice.
In case of giant fire getting out of control, use hook-hand-operable phone to call fire department.
In case of success, personally escort mad scientist to prison and offer another pithy one liner.
If everything seems okay, take another well-deserved nap.
In Case of Hooks, Part 4: "Hook With A Vengeance"
In case of sequel, prepare to get a little darker and grittier.
If more edginess is needed, replace white t-shirt costume with a black t-shirt costume.
If black t-shirt is still not enough, grow a goatee.
In case of complacency, expect a series of murders by a man with rocket-hook-hands.
In case of fatal rocket-hookings, beware becoming the prime suspect.
If blamed by the media, meet with spunky photographer girl and ask for help in proving your innocence.
If suggested by spunky photographer girl, realize that constantly threatening to rocket-hook people may not be helping your image.
In case of elderly aunt being rocket-hooked at home, realize that only one person could have done this, but pause for dramatic effect.
If dramatic pause is over, reveal that your old rocket-hook-handed ex-friend must have survived that explosive high-five.
If rocket-hook-handed ex-friend survived, he must be back for revenge in a stunning plot twist.
In case of plot twist, return to the burned out building where all this started.
In case of dramatic arrival by ex-friend, prepare to listen to a long speech about how he was left for dead.
In case of long speech, nod politely.
If nodding only enrages him, begin playing epic showdown music.
In case of epic showdown music, begin epic showdown.
In case of epic showdown, prepare to be get beat up at first, and possibly end up on the verge of death.
If on the verge of death, have flashback to inspirational speech given by now rocket-hooked aunt.
In case of inspiration, overpower ex-friend and almost kill him.
In case of almost killing ex-friend, expect spunky photographer girl to appear and remind you that you're no longer a killer.
In case of compassion, apologize to your ex-friend.
In case of apology, ex-friend may become ashamed of all the rocket-hooking he's done.
If ex-friend is now ashamed at what he's done, prepare for him to clap his own rocket-hook-hands together, destroying himself.
In case of ex-friend-explosion due to rocket-hook-hand-clap, cover head.
If spunky photographer girl is injured, bring her to hospital (a real hospital, not a back-alley one).
In case of blame, allow spunky photographer girl to produce photos she took of your ex-friend admitting to his crimes.
In case of photos, be exonerated and once again hailed a hero.
In case of exoneration, celebrate with a nap, as usual.
In Case of Hooks, Part 5: "Hook To The Future"
In case of bad dreams involving fires, wake up from nap.
If woken up from nap, realize that you were dreaming of fires because your house is on fire.
If house is on fire, look for glass to break.
If no glass, turn on sink.
If sink begins spurting out fire instead of water, get out of your house because you’re pretty much screwed.
In case of standing across the street and watching house burn down, I’m sorry.
In case of apology from me, go downtown, because now you have nothing better to do.
If you do actually have something better to do, do that instead.
In case of claiming to have something better to do, you’re lying, because you’re homeless now.
If homeless, visit mad scientist in jail, and offer money for access to his time machine.
If using time machine, exit in the future.
In case of everyone having hooks for hands in the future, maybe you screwed something up by time traveling.
In case of screwing something up by time traveling, grab nearest hook-handed person and ask how everyone got hooks for hands.
If hook-handed person begins telling story, take a seat and listen intently.
If story starts with a fire and is told in 140-character bursts, you may be listening to a Twitter feed.
If you were not around to save the day (you were time traveling, remember?), the fire continued to spread.
In case of world-wide fire, people followed proper procedure.
If proper procedure was properly followed, everyone ended up with hooks for hands.
In case of a world filled with hook-handed people, use time machine to return to your present/their past.
In Case of Hooks, Part 6: "Some Like It Hooks"
If back in your present time, go back to investigating charred remains of your house.
In case of investigation of charred house, find a charred match.
If charred match found, bring it to crime lab so that science can be done at it.
If science is done successfully, find charred fingerprints on charred match.
If charred fingerprints found, then fire was work of local pyromaniac.
In case of pyromania, follow long trail of ashes across city.
In case of ashes leading to building with smoke coming out of the windows, you may be at the right place.
If at the right place, confront pyromaniac inside.
In case of confrontation, pyromaniac may attack you with fire.
In case of fire, break glass on pyromaniac's head.
If pyromaniac is physically stunned by glass attack, take opportunity to lecture him on fire safety.
If fire safety lecture goes on too long, pyromaniac may become bored and/or enraged.
If pyromaniac becomes enraged, he may leap at you.
If pyromaniac leaps at you, close your eyes, swing your hook-hands wildly, and hope for the best.
In case of best, hook swing may literally "disarm" pyromaniac.
In case of worst, disarmed pyromaniac may ignite and now have fire for hands.
In case of pyromaniac having fire for hands, get the hell out of there, because fire is a hook's natural predator.
In Case of Hooks, Part 7: "Through the Hooking Glass"
If the hell out of there, time to find fire's natural predator: glass, and the breaking thereof.
If it's time, consult Super Hero Classified Ads in local newspaper.
In case of consultation, locate Glass-For-Hands Man.
If Glass-For-Hands Man located, call him up on your hook-hand-operated phone.
In case of getting Glass-For-Hands Man's voice-mail, leave a message asking if he wants to be your sidekick.
In case of awkward mix-up where Glass-For-Hands Man was calling you back while you were leaving a message, try calling him again.
If Glass-For-Hands Man picks up this time, ask if he listened to your message.
If he listened to your message, he may ask you to be his sidekick instead—he has been around longer, after all.
If offered, take offer.
In case of accepted offer, ask to meet up for coffee somewhere with hook-hand-operable coffee cups.
In case of meet-up, explain that you're tired of fighting Fire-For-Hands Man and kind of want to move on to the next story.
If ready to move on to next story, summarize fight scene.
In case of fight scene summary: pow, bam, FWOOM, smash, csssshhhhzzzhhh, FWOOSH, chop, chop, CHOP, kaplunk, pow.
In case of "pow," zoom in while using slow motion to accentuate the "ow" part.
In case of accentuated "ow," Fire-For-Hands Man may ironically fall through a glass window.
In case of ironic window made of glass, consider if this is really irony, or if irony would only have been in case of window made of hooks.
If too much time is spent considering proper use of the term "irony," Fire-For-Hands Man may non-ironically escape.
In Case of Hooks, Part 8: "Hooks In Boots"
If Fire-For-Hands Man is gone, go home.
If you return to a pile of rubble, remember that your house burned down.
In case of homelessness, locate that hook-handed hobo who took your money so long ago.
If you find that hook-handed hobo, ask if he needs a roommate.
If he doesn't need a roommate, it's probably because he doesn't have any rooms.
If he doesn’t have any rooms, ask him how he became homeless in the first place.
If he became homeless due to his old house being burned down by a pyromaniac, ask why he didn’t put out the fire.
If he didn’t put out the fire because he was napping to celebrate defeating his ex-friend, ask why he and his ex-friend were fighting.
If he and his ex-friend were fighting because he left his ex-friend for dead earlier, ask where he left his ex-friend for dead earlier.
If he left his ex-friend for dead in the lab of a mad scientist, ask what happened in the lab of the mad scientist.
If the mad scientist gave him hooks for hands, ask him how he ended up captured by a mad scientist in the first place.
If he was captured while looking for a back-alley hospital, ask why he was looking for a back-alley hospital.
If he was looking for a back-alley hospital because he had no hands to cover his head with, ask why he was covering his head.
If he was covering his head, there was probably a fire.
In case of fire, hook-handed hobo may be the original Hooks-For-Hands Man.
If hook-handed hobo is the original Hooks-For-Hands Man, you may actually be in a reboot.
If you’re homeless, realize that you are now a hook-handed hobo too.
If you are now a hook-handed hobo too, realize that your own story is being rebooted.
In Case of Hooks, Part 9: "Hooks Begins"
If your own story is being rebooted, tell the hook-handed hobo to hide behind a trashcan.
If hook-handed hobo is hiding behind a trashcan, you may be approached by two handless boys searching for a back-alley hospital.
If this is a reboot, they are probably younger and darker/edgier than you and your friend were.
If the younger/darker/edgier version of you is frightened by your hook hands, he may begin climbing the wall to escape.
If he begins climbing the wall, use your own hook-hands to give chase.
If this is a reboot, the updated version of the wall-chase will probably involve a lot of parkour and jumping from building to building.
If you're too old and tired for parkour, just rocket-hook the reboot-you and confront him on the ground.
If reboot-you and reboot-friend are on the ground, give them money and direct them to a real hospital so that they won't suffer your fate.
In case of a more realistic reboot, the mad scientist will be reimagined as a prosthetic surgeon at the hospital.
If more relevancy is desired, mad surgeon can also have a government contract to research the creation of hook-handed super-soldiers.
If reboot-you and reboot-friend arrive at the hospital, you need to get there to stop the mad surgeon from experimenting on them.
If you’re not supposed to be in this remake, there may be soldiers guarding the hospital and searching for you.
If your hook-hands are a dead giveaway, put on some oven-mitts as a disguise.
If that’s not enough of a disguise, wear a fake mustache.
If you already had a mustache, wear a fake lack-of-mustache instead.
If your disguise is good enough, sneak into the hospital and locate the operating room before your fake mustache falls off.
If the fake mustache is itchy, you can take it off now.
If you find reboot-you and reboot-friend, tell them that you’re here to rescue them before they’re turned into rocket-hook-handed monsters.
If they remind you that this a reboot, realize that rocket-hook-handed monsters would have been too science-fictiony anyway.
If you're still in the hospital for some reason after having 3 full days to escape, prepare for soldiers to attack.
If soldiers attack, begin this reboot's first fight scene, which will probably involve lots of slow-motion —> fast-motion —> slow-motion.
If you seem to be losing the fight, it's probably because you're still wearing oven-mitts.
If you're having trouble using your oven-mitts to take off your oven-mitts, ask reboot-you to help.
If he has trouble using his hook-hands to take off your oven-mitts, you'll just have to keep fighting with oven-mitts.
If you have to fight with oven-mitts, at least use them to your advantage and pick up something hot as a weapon.
If you need something hot and dangerous, go to the hospital cafeteria and grab a waffle-iron.
If you win the fight, celebrate with some delicious waffles.
In Case of Hooks, Part 10: "The Hook Night"
In case of no more waffles, drive reboot-friend back to his house.
If you drop reboot-friend off at his house, be surprised to see your presumed-dead ex-best-friend there too.
If your ex-best-friend is playing reboot-friend's father, he must be making a cameo appearance in the reboot.
If your ex-best-friend acts like he doesn't know you, he must be a real method actor.
If your ex-best-friend continues acting, he'll probably ask his son why he is hanging out with a hook-handed homeless man.
If he's more concerned about his son hanging out with a homeless man than the fact that his son has no hands, he's probably not a great dad.
If he's not a good dad, try calling child protective services, but give up because you don't have your hook-hand-operable phone.
If you don't have your hook-hand-operable phone, you might as well drive reboot-you to his house so that you can use his landline.
In case the reboot audience is getting restless from the lack of action scenes, take a motorcycle and do some crazy stunts along the way.
If this reboot is skewing towards a younger audience, play a popular current song while doing the crazy motorcycle stunts.
In case of arrival at reboot-you's house, his house may be burned to the ground.
If his house is burned to the ground, that’s too bad, because now you’ll never get to see what the new set for your house would have looked like.
In case of burned house so early in the adventure, this reboot is clearly going in a different direction than your story did.
If this reboot is going in a different direction, maybe you messed things up by intervening instead of staying in character as a hobo.
In case of messing things up, you should probably try and make things right.
In case of making things right, ask reboot-you if he wants to be your sidekick, Hooks-For-Hands Boy.
If Hooks-For-Hands Boy reminds you that he has top-billing in the reboot, accept playing the crazy old mentor character instead.
In case of accepting a smaller role, ask if you can at least be on the poster.
If offered a spot on the international poster and the back of the DVD case (but not the Blu Ray), you should probably settle for that.
If the deal is settled, search through the smoking remains of the kitchen for any surviving waffle mix.
If waffle mix found, celebrate with some slightly toasty waffles.
In Case of Hooks, Part 11: "Crisis on Infinite Hooks"
If waffles are eaten, spend yet another night following a trail of ashes.
If ashes lead to another burned out building, this might be the work of Fire-For-Hands Man again.
If all the glass windows of the building are shattered, he's not taking any chances this time.
In case of no chances being taken, let Hooks-For-Hands Boy go in first.
If crying is heard softly in the distance, maybe things aren't what they seem.
If sound of crying leads to Fire-For-Hands Man sobbing in the corner of the building, ask him what's wrong.
If he answers that he's afraid of being replaced by a new actor in the reboot, tell him you know how he feels.
If he destroyed Hooks-For-Hands Boy's house in the hopes of stopping the reboot from happening, explain that it's too late.
If Hooks-For-Hands Boy didn't live in the same place that you did, ask Fire-For-Hands Man how he knew where the reboot house was.
If he says that he read about it in The Book, ask him what book he's talking about.
If he answers that he's talking about the novelization of the reboot, wonder how that's possible before the reboot has even happened.
If the novelization has been written already so that its release can coincide with the release of the reboot, it must have leaked early.
If the novelization leaked early, it can probably help you out, so ask Fire-For-Hands Man if you can borrow his copy.
If Fire-For-Hands Man tells you that his copy is all charred and illegible, it's probably because he read it while his hands were on fire.
If his copy is all burned up, maybe the local bookstore has some in stock.
If the local bookstore went out of business because people aren't buying physical books anymore, isn't that pretty sad?
In case of depressing bookstore closing, maybe some of the remaining books are in the dumpster behind the building.
If you dig through the dumpster and accidentally stab something with your hook-hands, apparently someone lives in there.
If the dumpster person stabs you back, it looks like you've met another hook-handed hobo.
If there's yet another hook-handed hobo, let him climb out of the dumpster so you can talk to him.
If he needs help getting out of the dumpster, it's because he's really old.
If this hook-handed hobo looks to be about 80 years old, you may have found the ORIGINAL original Hooks-For-Hands Man.
If you found the ORIGINAL original Hooks-For-Hands Man, ask him what he's doing in a dumpster beyond an abandoned bookstore.
If he says that he's been following along with the continuing adventures of each new Hooks-For-Hands Man, find out how long he's been a fan.
If he reminisces about "Pow!" and "Zing!" balloons appearing whenever he hit someone, he must have been Hooks-For-Hands Man in the late 60s.
If his house burned down in the 90's, his story must have been rebooted after he became too old and uncool.
If that other hook-handed hobo took over as Hooks-For-Hands Man in the 90s, he was probably extreme and radical and used the letter Z a lot.
If "Z" was soon replaced by "i" as the coolest letter, it's surprising that the second Hooks-For-Hands Man wasn't replaced until 2010.
If you became the third Hooks-For-Hands Man in 2010, be ashamed that you barely lasted a year before being rebooted in 2011.
If Hooks-For-Hands Boy's house burned down already, he may be rebooted less than a month after taking on the mantle.
If each Hooks-For-Hands Man has been lasting for shorter and shorter time periods, it seems like the reboots are accelerating.
If the reboots are accelerating, eventually it will reach a point where everyone on the planet becomes a hook-handed person simultaneously.
If there's an eventual reboot singularity, that explains why everyone in the future had hooks for hands when you time-traveled into the future last year.
In case of plot hole being filled, pretend that you planned this all along instead of just coming up with it now.
In case of eventual reboot singularity, you need to figure out how to stop the reboots from occurring.
In Case of Hooks, Part 12: "The Hook Night Rises"
If 1960s Hooks-For-Hands Man has been collecting Hooks-For-Hands books and memorabilia for years, maybe there's a clue in that dumpster.
If dumpster is kind of smelly, let 1960s Hooks-For-Hands Man dig through it himself.
If 1960s Hooks-For-Hands Man starts handing you old Hooks-For-Hands books to look through, start calling him Books-For-Hands Man because it's fewer characters on Twitter.
If you find the 90s comic book from when the first reboot occurred, there may be a suspicious top-hatted man in the background on the cover.
In case of suspicious top-hat-sighting in the 90s, find the comic from the 2010 reboot to see if he's in that one too.
If the cover picture is of you and your friend searching for a cheap back-alley hospital, notice top-hat man in the corner of the frame.
If the same suspicious top-hatted man is crossing over between multiple reboots, maybe he has something to do with them.
If the book is filled with pictures of you and your adventures, maybe you should really be worried about who's been taking all these photos.
If someone's been taking stalkerish photos of you (and also transcribing all of your dialogue), maybe it's the only photographer you know.
If you've forgotten (which is understandable, since she hasn't been mentioned in over a year), go visit Spunky Photographer Girl.
If Spunky Photographer Girl welcomes you into her home, ask for some pancakes while you interrogate her about the photos.
If she was hired to secretly take photos of you and leave them in an unmarked mailbox downtown every night, feel angry and betrayed and hungry.
If the pancakes are delicious enough, forgive her.
If Spunky Photographer Girl is forgiven, head downtown and hide behind a bush to stake out that unmarked mailbox.
If it's too tiny to hide you, Hooks-For-Hands Boy, Books-For-Hands Man, Fire-For-Hands Man AND Spunky Photographer Girl, find a bigger bush.
If you're all hidden behind a giant bush, wait for a suspicious, unmarked, black van with tinted windows to pull up to the mailbox.
If a bumper-sticker-covered, neon green convertible pulls up to the mailbox instead, that's even more suspicious.
If the driver of the convertible walks over to check the mailbox, ambush him and demand to know whether or not he owns a top hat.
If he claims that he doesn't own a top hat but can take you to someone who does, agree to go with him.
If the convertible is only a two-seater, tell your friends that you're going this one alone.
If Hooks-For-Hands Boy can squeeze between you and the driver, and Spunky Photographer Girl can sit on your lap, then sure I guess they can go too.
If you're quickly pulled over by a cop, it's probably because it's against the law to fit that many people in a [non-clown] car.
If the driver screams that he can't go pack to prison and runs over the cop, you may have bigger problems to worry about.
In Case of Hooks, Part 13: "Live Free or Hook Hard"
If the cop puts out an APB, you should probably abandon the very obvious, bumper-sticker-covered, neon green [non-clown] convertible.
If it's Halloween, there will be many boys and girls dressed as hook-handed superheroes and spunky photographers, so blend into the crowd.
If you're suddenly in a crowd of top-hat-clad people (and Halloween is over), you must be in the wealthy part of town.
If the driver is immediately arrested for not wearing a top hat in a Top Hats Only zone, I hope you're already wearing a top hat.
If you're not already wearing a top hat, knock off a few other people's top hats and start a riot.
In case of hat riot, use the chaos as a diversion while you search for that suspicious top-hatted man from the comic books.
If that suspicious top-hatted man was powerful enough to reboot a bunch of people's lives a bunch of times, he's probably very rich.
If you come across a giant mansion with a front gate that is adorned by a crest depicting golden hooks, maybe this is where he lives.
If the mansion is guarded by well-armed and well-dressed guards, you'll have to work together to get in.
If teamwork is required: Spunky Photographer Girl blinds the guards with the flash from her camera, Hooks-For-Hands Boy parkours over the fence, and you relax.
If Hooks-For-Hands Boy successfully parkours around/over/under/through things and opens the gate, stop relaxing and charge into the mansion.
If you're inside the mansion, enter the grand study and look for a giant leather armchair by the fireplace with its back turned to you.
If you find a giant leather armchair with its back turned, wait patiently for the villain sitting in it to spin around and face you.
If you've been waiting for a really long time and the giant leather armchair hasn't swiveled, maybe there's actually no villain sitting it.
If a butler informs you that the top-hatted man is sitting in a giant leather armchair in the *grander* study, he's richer than you thought.
In case of confrontation with the mysterious top-hatted man, demand to know the extent of his mysterious top-hatted deeds.
If top-hatted man calls himself "The Perfectionist," he may claim that he's simply been trying to keep the Hooks-For-Hands legacy relevant.
If each iteration became too campy, childish, dark, or overly-meta, the reboots were necessary to avoid letting the character become dated.
If the public's tastes have been changing increasingly quickly, The Perfectionist has never been able to satisfy every audience at once.
If each adaptation also happened to make millions of dollars, I guess that was just a happy accident.
If he claims that he was also actually helping you by rebooting the franchise and freeing you from being typecast, that's a good point.
If you're free from playing Hooks-For-Hands Man, you now have the opportunity to grow a scraggly beard and star in an indie dramedy.
If you're not planning on starring in any dramedies (even though you've already got the scraggly beard), The Perfectionist has no choice but to kill you off.
If a dramatic quote is needed: "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become a cameo in the reboot."
If this confrontation is going on for a very long time, be thankful that the butler temporarily interrupts to serve some delicious food.
In Case of Hooks, Part 14: "The Hook Ultimatum"
If The Perfectionist gave you the chance to move on to a new story, tell him that he has the same opportunity.
If you tell him that the Hooks-For-Hands stories will never be perfect and he should start something new (like a romcom!), he may be inspired.
If he is inspired to wipe out the entire city, ending the Hooks-For-Hands saga once and for all, tell him that's not exactly what you meant.
In case of misunderstanding (and Butler Squadron being summoned to kill you), it's time to leave.
If that top hat riot is still going on, use it as a diversion to escape from the Butler Squadron.
If you need someone who can navigate through the mobs, police, and butlers, you should go free that driver.
If the driver had been arrested for not wearing a top hat, he may be locked up in the local combination police station/hat shop.
If the combination police station/hat shop also serves delicious crumpets, the driver may not want to leave.
If bailing out the driver is expensive, I hope you grabbed some golden goblets or silver socks or something while escaping from the mansion.
If the cops will take expensive socks as a bribe, put some crumpets in a take-out bag and leave with the driver.
If driver is free, have him drive you back (assuming the bumper-sticker-covered, neon green [non-clown] convertible is where you left it).
If Books-For-Hands and Fire-For-Hands Man probably went home, call them on the hook-hand-operable phone and say to meet back at the mailbox.
If you arrive at the mailbox to find the Butler Squad attacking Books-For-Hands and Fire-For-Hands Man, yell at the driver for driving slow.
If Fire-For-Hands Man is killed in the fight, be happy that there's one less character for us to keep track of.
If you're sad about Fire-For-Hands Man being killed off, don't worry, he'll probably come back as a bad guy some day.
If you manage to scare off the Butler Squad (the town needs to be vacuumed after that riot mess), wonder how they knew to go to the mailbox.
If they only could have known about the mailbox by listening to your phonecall, consider who built the hook-hand-operable phone.
If you've forgotten, scroll back and remember that your hook-hand-operable phone was built by your personal gadget inventor/butler.
If your personal inventor/butler has secretly been part of the Butler Squadron, then he's been spying on you this entire time.
If your butler has been watching over your elderly aunt at the nursing home, rush over there to make sure she's okay.
If Books-For-Hands Man's elderly aunt and Hooks-For-Hands Boy's elderly aunt live there too, I guess you can check on them also.
In Case of Hooks, Part 15: "Apocalypse Hooks"
In case of arrival, the Butler Squadron might be holding your elderly aunts hostage.
In case of stand-off, take three nursing home orderlies hostage in retaliation (since they're kind of like butlers for old people).
If the elderly aunts are getting tired and lots of old people are complaining to the orderlies, do a hostage exchange with the Butler Squadron.
If your elderly aunts are safe, ask them if 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man's elderly aunt lives there too (make sure to ask loudly).
If they say that 1990s Elderly Aunt recently got transferred to a much nicer nursing home, wonder how that recently homeless superhero suddenly got money.
If 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man had a scraggly beard when you saw him last, realize that The Perfectionist may be casting him in an indie romantic dramedy.
If you suspect 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man is involved in this terrifying romantic dramedy plan, visit his home behind the burnt-out building.
If the alley now contains velvet-draped dumpsters, diamond-encrusted fire escapes, and all of the litter is solid gold, that is suspicious.
If you're investigating the velvet-draped dumpster, someone may shove you inside and slam the lid down.
If there's commotion outside but you're locked in, you might as well relax on the soft velvet until someone opens the lid and lets you out.
If the commotion dies down and you're freed, The Perfectionist and 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man may be standing there with Spunky Photographer Girl as their hostage.
If they're kidnapping her, she will probably be forced to play the manic pixie dream girl character in their indie romdramedy.
If she protests that she'll just refuse to act in the movie, The Perfectionist may shrug and say that they can fix that in post.
If The Perfectionist maniacally laughs that the Butler Squad planted bombs around the city, he must be planning on leaving town.
If it's cheaper to film movies in Neighborton (the city next to yours), he's probably moving production of his indie romdramedy over there.
If you last saw the Butler Squad at the retirement home, get back over there before the old people start whining about being blown up.
If they're playing bingo, dramatically burst into the room and yell at them to stop spinning that weird cage with the numbered balls inside.
If the cage is set to explode when someone achieves bingo, defuse it while complaining that bingo is all about luck and requires no skill.
If Books-For-Hands Man is getting tired, tell him to just hang out and play shuffleboard and you'll visit after you finish this adventure.
If you remember seeing the Butler Squad at the abandoned unmarked mailbox, head back over there.
If Fire-For-Hands Man's body is now missing, then let's just leave that case open and solve it later.
If that weird little flag-thing on the side of the mailbox is pointing up to indicate that there's mail inside, it must be a bomb.
In case of second bomb discovery, let Hooks-For-Hands Boy defuse it, since his tiny hooks-hands can fit inside the mailbox better.
In Case of Hooks, Finale: "Hooks of Darkness"
If The Perfectionist hopes to become an acclaimed and prestigious director, he probably wants to erase all traces of his pulpy past.
If he wants to erase his past, he's probably planted the third bomb inside his giant mansion/shrine to the Hooks-For-Hands legacy.
If the wealthy part of town has quieted down again, you'll need a distraction to get inside.
If everyone's top hats now have locking chin-straps to prevent another top hat riot, you'll have to knock off someone's monocle instead.
In case of monocle riot, use it as a diversion to get into the mansion.
If The Perfectionist is ashamed of his past work, he's probably hiding all of it in a secret room somewhere.
If there's a secret room, it can probably be accessed by removing a certain book from a certain bookshelf.
If you find a library, knock over all of the bookshelves in the hopes of finding the one that acts as a key.
If the third bomb was just sitting in plain sight in the living room, defuse it while the butlers are cleaning up your mess in the library.
If three is a nice solid number, you must have defused all of the bombs and saved the city.
If city is saved, it's time to confront The Perfectionist.
If time for confrontation, have the Driver drive you to Neighborton.
In case of arrival in Neighborton, locate the set where they're shooting the indie romdramedy.
If 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man is wearing a cumbersome and embarrassingly form-fitting motion-capture suit, easily defeat him in a fight.
If Spunky Photographer Girl is rescued, The Perfectionist may laugh while slowly rising from his director's chair and clapping menacingly.
In case of laugh, he may say that they've already finished shooting, and that the movie is sure to be a critically acclaimed masterpiece, ending the Hooks-For-Hands legacy forever.
In case of twist, Spunky Photography Girl may reveal that she's been secretly recording the entire disastrous making of this movie.
If the behind-the-scenes documentary has already been sent to several film festivals, The Perfectionist's movie will be a laughing stock.
If you've found flaws in The Perfectionist's scheme, he may run off, vowing to return once he's crafted the perfect plan.
If he returns one day, you may have to don the Hooks-For-Hands uniform once more—possibly in 3D.
But otherwise, take a well-deserved nap.
The End!