In Case of Hooks, Part 7: "Through the Hooking Glass"

  • If the hell out of there, time to find fire's natural predator: glass, and the breaking thereof.

  • If it's time, consult Super Hero Classified Ads in local newspaper.

  • In case of consultation, locate Glass-For-Hands Man.

  • If Glass-For-Hands Man located, call him up on your hook-hand-operated phone.

  • In case of getting Glass-For-Hands Man's voice-mail, leave a message asking if he wants to be your sidekick.

  • In case of awkward mix-up where Glass-For-Hands Man was calling you back while you were leaving a message, try calling him again.

  • If Glass-For-Hands Man picks up this time, ask if he listened to your message.

  • If he listened to your message, he may ask you to be his sidekick instead—he has been around longer, after all.

  • If offered, take offer.

  • In case of accepted offer, ask to meet up for coffee somewhere with hook-hand-operable coffee cups.

  • In case of meet-up, explain that you're tired of fighting Fire-For-Hands Man and kind of want to move on to the next story.

  • If ready to move on to next story, summarize fight scene.

  • In case of fight scene summary: pow, bam, FWOOM, smash, csssshhhhzzzhhh, FWOOSH, chop, chop, CHOP, kaplunk, pow.

  • In case of "pow," zoom in while using slow motion to accentuate the "ow" part.

  • In case of accentuated "ow," Fire-For-Hands Man may ironically fall through a glass window.

  • In case of ironic window made of glass, consider if this is really irony, or if irony would only have been in case of window made of hooks.

  • If too much time is spent considering proper use of the term "irony," Fire-For-Hands Man may non-ironically escape.

Dan Markowitz